Lighthouse

The first time I realized that I am in love with you is when I remembered your smile the night before, while I am driving. I shook my head saying that this is not right, this is too fast, I just knew your full name a month ago., despite knowing each other’s existence for 8years.

The first time I felt that you cared for me is when you asked me if I am still alive, after not replying to any of your messages and answering your calls, because I was too drunk to care.

It is bittersweet to know that what we have is true, yet the timing is not right.

I miss you. I miss your smile. I miss your loud and booming voice. I miss how your eyes would speak the things that you cannot say. I miss your ugly face that I find fascinating. I miss your mind, your thoughts and your dreams. I miss the ugly, the beautiful, I miss everything about you.

Maybe I loved too much, maybe you loved me too little. Maybe your love for me is minuscule that you cannot even see me behind you while you achieve your dreams. Yet I am clinging to that little love that you have for me will grow, will overflow.

I envy the girl before me, how you showered her with the affections that you are stopping yourself to give me. I envy her because she had you at your best when you are still full of life and not jaded. I envy her because what’s left for me is a damaged man, cynical, broken and lost. I wanted to be your shining star, to guide and help you to find your way, wherever it is.

All I want is to be with you, to be chosen by you. I wanted to be treated as your inspiration and not a sweet distraction. But, all of this is a selfish request, that I cannot fulfill alone, especially when I am the only one fighting to hold on.

One day, I will just laugh at how crazy I fell in love with you. One day I will tell the story of how I chase you, yet I never caught up. In the mean time, I will move forward, little by little, one painful step at a time.

I will miss you every time I set foot in our lighthouse.

(too much emotions, did not proofread :D)